Pennies from Heaven

I frequently go through "death" phases. Where I seem to get obsessed with death. Maybe it is because my cat, Misty, just died? Or perhaps it is because I have just been introduced to an empath group/website and have been thinking about intuitive situations from my past?

My father passed away in 1994 which has been awhile ago now, but I still think about him frequently and miss him terribly. Anyway, one strong memory I have of him is that every time he went for a walk, or went anywhere for that matter, he would find money. On the street or parking lot; usually pennies, but occasionally nickles, dimes, quarters, and even dollar bills. He would always pick up the money and put it in a small glass jar he kept on the night stand next to his bed. When the jar got full, he would donate the money to a charity. It always amazed me how quickly the jar would fill up.

After he died, and I was going through a lot of difficult changes in my life, including changing jobs and moving to a new city. Every time I would go for a walk, a glint of light would catch my eye and there would be a coin! It was hard to believe how much money I would find. I called them "pennies from heaven" - a gift from my father. Was he letting me know he was thinking of me - or that he was there watching out for me? I like to think so. I always thanked him and put the money in a glass jar at my bedside.

As time has gone by, I no longer seem to be finding money, or maybe my thoughts are elsewhere, or maybe I don't need that connection as much as I did before? I'm not sure.

But whenever I do find money, to me they are "pennies from heaven". A lot of people tease me, that nobody picks up pennies - they aren't worth anything. But to me they are more precious than gold. They are a memory of/from my dad.

Eulogy for Suzi

Suzi is on the left, I'm on the right.

While on the subject of loss and eulogies - this is one I wrote for one of my former students who died after a long chronic illness - she was 30 years old.

Eulogy for Susan Smith

I first met Suzi when she was a student assistant at the CDE in the CDUnit. Bob was her official supervisor, but I was the one that worked directly with her, gave her assignments, and monitored her work.

One the things I remember her saying frequently whenever I gave her an assignment or project was “I can do that” this I think reflected her work ethic and philosophy. Suzi was highly intelligent and quickly caught on to how to do things – nothing was too difficult for her to tackle. If she thought something could be done more efficiently or in a different way –she would say – why can’t we do it this way – or what do you think about trying it this other way.

She was an active member of a youth group at her church and went on a trip to Eastern Europe to an orphanage – the trip had a lasting impact on her. It seems to me that she met Jeremy at around that time. She was concerned that she was older than him – I told her that age didn’t matter – as long as they loved each other and wanted to be together. She was also concerned when she went to Fresno for her Dietetic Internship that they would be separated and the relationship would die – I told her if it was meant to be that – the separation wouldn’t matter. I was happy to learn that they stayed together and they were soon engaged to be married – I told her I wanted to go to her wedding – and she invited me. She was so excited that things seemed to be falling into place and working out for them!

She asked me to write her letters of recommendation for her internship and also for various jobs that she applied for. She wanted to be a clinical dietitian, based on her personal experience, so I was glad she had that opportunity. We kept in touch and whenever she would come to the Downtown Plaza – she made a point to stop in and say hello and let me know how things were going.

She told me she was frustrated with the way things were going at her job and was thinking about wanting to make a change – I encouraged her to come back to the CDE. Since, the Department was hiring additional staff– I encouraged her to apply and put in a good word for her with the supervisory staff. I told her it would involve quite a bit of travel and time away from home – but she didn’t think that would be a problem.

After she got the job – she was assigned to the Bay Area – she told me that her and Jeremy were really feeling more settled and that they were going to buy a house and start thinking about having a family. She was so excited about their new house and the possibility of having children. Just before I left the CDE in July, we had a long talk about her future and that her doctor had given her the green light to try to get pregnant. It was a real shock to hear that she was ill. She always knew she would need a liver transplant someday – but cancer wasn’t something she even thought about.

I think to her I was an advisor and a mentor. To me she was a special person and a true friend. I feel honored that she talked to me about her dreams, goals, and frustrations. I’m glad that I was able to talk to her a few times just before she died and tell her how much she meant to me.

I received an e-mail from her supervisor just after Christmas. In the e-mail her supervisor told me that she had visited with Suzi and that Suzi wanted her to thank everyone for the gift of time. What she meant was the Department allows employees to donate their vacation hours for catastrophic leave when staff run out of time (leave credits) – When I read that I wished that instead of giving her hours/money – I could have given her years of time instead.

Eulogy for Cindy

I am currently reading "The Opposite of Fate: A Book of Musings" by Amy Tan. Amy Tan is one of my favorite authors - and I love this book. As I was reading a eulogy she wrote/presented at the funeral of one of her best friends, it reminded me of this one that I presented for a co-worker of mine a few years ago. Cindy was my bosses secretary. Her death was sudden and unexpected. She was at work the day before. She complained of a headache, but nobody really thought much about it at the time. That night she had a stroke and died. Our boss was totally devastated and said she just couldn't speak at her funeral. She asked me if I would do it for her. I told her I would, since Cindy was a good friend of mine, and she often confided in me. This eulogy was also presented at a special remembrance service we had for her at work (she died close to the same time another co-worker died from cancer - so we held a memorial tribute to both of them).

Cindy Fong – Remembrances 11-03

We all wear many hats and play many different roles in life – from wife, to mother, and co-worker. We spend as much time with our work family as we do with our home family and the “at work” role is much different than our “at home: role. I am here to share what she meant to those of us who worked with her and shared her life.

Cindy had a wonderful sense of humor and loved to play jokes and tease her co-workers. One time she pulled out the ugliest looking doll I had ever seen – “the knuckle head doll”. She said that it belonged to her husband – but that it was OK if she brought it to work. It was one of the three stooges that talked when it was squeezed. The first time she had it talk – people came running over to her cubicle – because they couldn’t believe what they were hearing! We had lots of fun playing jokes on people with that doll – sending anonymous voice mail messages – or having it talk in the middle of a serious meeting! It was a sad day when she said that her husband wanted his doll back!

Cindy would often stop by to talk to me or vent her frustrations. She said she appreciated my calm demeanor, my philosophical attitude and ability to put things back into perspective for her. Sometimes, when I would be in a meeting in her bosses office, she would be creative in trying to get my attention by putting huge signs and post-its with arrows on her cubicle so that when I came out of the meeting – I would stop by and see her. Sometimes she would bribe me with candy – she always had a “private stash” of chocolate – she had the public candy – usually hard candy, that was for everybody else and then the private “special” candy reserved just for “me”.

Cindy always had a lot of unusual and interesting things in her cubicle – If I would comment on something – next thing I know – she would be giving me something similar as a gift. “I knew you would like this – or I saw this and it reminded me of you”

She was always worried about her job – and when the budget crisis hit she would come and want assurance that she wasn’t going to be laid off. Our office recently moved and the warehouse office staff moved with us. Because there was going to be some duplication of staff – we did a small re-organization of some of the office staff duties. I included her in the meeting to discuss the changes, since they would affect her. After the meeting she asked if she could meet with me privately. I had no idea why. What she said was not what I expected at all! She was worried that her primary duties were being delegated to other staff members – and what would she be doing? – and were we trying to get rid of her? – I thought she would be happy – relieved that she wouldn’t have to carry such a huge burden any more!

One time a group of us went to Old Town for lunch. On the way back, I made a comment that I would like to go to some of the shops, but that I never seemed to get around to it. She said that she would like to do that also, and that she would be glad to come with me sometime. Well, it was either too hot, too cold, or we were too busy. We never did go…

One of the cards she gave me had this book marker in it - that I think sums up her philosophy of life… (sorry, I will have to look for this).

One of the gifts that Cindy gave me was a wooden puzzle box (one that you have to figure out how to open). She said she had a hard time finding it for me. I have some of the items she gave me in it - including an antique chinese good luck coin in a red envelope that was distributed after her funeral.

I Feel Much Better Now That I Have Given Up Hope

This is a quote from Ashleigh Brilliant. I have several of his books, which are full of interesting philosophical sayings. I bought this book for my dad when he was dying of cancer - to hopefully take his mind off of things and maybe offer him a different perspective/humorous side of the difficult situation he was going through.

Sometimes it comes down to that. When things seem hopeless - just to give up and let things happen. Not get so bogged down in feeling sorry for yourself or stuck in the "why can't things be different" or "why did this have to happen to me" or "why am I going through this - what did I do to deserve this" syndromes.

This saying has become kind of a mantra of mine - a reminder to not get so hung up on things that happen. To lighten up a bit.

Strange - one of my employees gave me a bookmarker with this saying on it. She didn't know what it was - or who Ashleigh Brilliant was. But of course, I knew - which made the gift very special to me - since it seemed to come "out of the blue".

Maybe something about it - reminded her of me??? I wonder...

We think we are opaque - but we are really transparent!

I Can See Clearly Now...

One of my favorite songs is "I Can See Clearly Now". It is kind of a theme song to me. It seems to come on the radio when I am coming out of a difficult situation or am in the middle of one. It seems to give me hope, when things seem hopeless. It shows me and reminds me of "the light at the end of the tunnel".

It also reminds me of the Barbara Steisand movie - On a Clear Day (I can see forever).

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's going to be a bright, bright, sunshining day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's going to be a bright, bright, sunshining day.

This song is the reason why my blog name is rainbow waterfall. The rainbow is a promise that things will get better. That nothing lasts forever.

Nothing Stays The Same

This one seems like it should be a "no brainer". Everyone knows that. Duh!

But sometimes when I'm in a rut or in a situation that I can't seem to get out of - it feels like I'm going to be stuck there forever.

I remember sitting in a conference dealing with a conflict between a trainee and a volunteer. I knew that the trainee would be moving on to another location in a couple of months, but the volunteer didn't know that. The volunteer thought she would be working with this person "forever" and the stress of their personality conflict was making her ill. She was ready to quit, even though she needed the "job" for the socialization and to help her feel needed and useful.

Some of the things I said during the conference were "hang in there" "things change" "nothing lasts forever" (easy to say to someone else). We worked on trying to resolve the issue and taking one day at a time. A few weeks later, the trainee moved on. In the meantime, the volunteer had hung in there. She later confided in me that she really took what I said about change and the situation had been much easier for her to deal with = knowing that it wasn't forever.

Some things we would like to last forever - but of course - something always happens to disrupt or change the situation. I have tried to internalize this philosophy and therefore not get upset when things = especially things that are out of my control - change. I know that it won't last forever. However, sometimes it is just too difficult to wait for the change - and I try make a move/change first.

Once I accepted that change is a natural part of life and to remind myself to remain flexible and open to the changes that take place - it is much less stressful to deal with things that pop-up. I try to let go and not control every situation so much.

I try to analyze whether it is something I have control over or not. If I do have control over it, I make adjustments as much as possible. If I don't have control over it, I try to accept it, and "go with the flow" and then maybe later change the parts that I do have control over.

One thing I know that I always have control over is my attitute and how I react to situations. Hopefully in a much more calm, accepting manner than I would have in the past.

One of my favorite songs is "Dust in the Wind". One of the phrases in it is "nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky"...

If you have a butterfly...

If you have a butterfly - and you let him go - if he comes back - he's yours - if he doesn't - he never was.

When I was in college, I lived in the dormatory. One of my neighbor's had a sign with this saying posted on her door. At the time I had broken up with my boyfriend, but I still wanted to be in the relationship. I was having a really hard time getting over it.

This saying really helped me to let go and wait and see what happened. It helped me get over my obsession with something that apparently wasn't meant to be - but I really wanted it to be and I was hanging on as hard as I could. It was all a waste of time and energy.

I finally let the butterfly go - and he never came back to me...

The lesson learned was to try not to hold on to something that is gone/done/finished. I have tried to "let go" sooner. Letting things flow my naturally.

How many butterflies come back? I suspect that it is none. At least that has been the experience of my life. The butterflies light for a moment - and then they are gone - forever.

One of my favorite movies is "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" and it has a couple of butterfly scenes in it. A reminder to savor the butterfly moments - since you never know how long they will last.

I try to savor the butterfly moments of my life. At least I have the memory of them...

I'm a Tumbleweed

What kind of plant are you?

Are you a tree? - solid, unmoving, stable, with deep roots?

I am a tumbleweed. I often joke, when I find myself once again, rolling along with the wind - moving on to the next experience in my life ... No deep roots roots for me - I just go wherever the wind blows me!

When I lost my house due to a series of situations - I said to myself "The only way God could get me to move, is to take my house away from me" "Now I have nothing to hold me here"

I was open to change. I became open to new experiences. Not to say that it wasn't difficult, but as a result, it is much easier for me now to - move on - when it becomes obvious that my roots are going too deep...and I need to be shaken out of my rut.

This is the End

One of the quotes that seems to have stuck with me through the years is...

"This is the end, it will be interesting to see what happens". I have always been an avid reader, and I believe this quote is from the book, "The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit".

It is something I always say to myself whenever I step into the void - the great unknown. Whenever I take a risk, or try something new - this is my thought. And you know what? The outcome is always interesting.

To me this quote is about endings and beginnings...Growth...stepping out of my comfort zone.

It seems to help me not be afraid of leaving my comfort zone. It gives me a different perspective of the situation, whether it is a new job, a decision to get married, to move, to buy a house - whatever. Both major and minor decisions.

Meditating on it makes me stop to reflect on where I've been, and where I'm going.

My Life is a Jigsaw Puzzle

When I think back on my life and the path that it has taken - it appears to me that it is like a jigsaw puzzle. When I have to face a particularly difficult period in my life, it is easy to get caught up in the emotion and the "poor me" syndrome that often accompanies such trials. While going through them - I often wonder why I have to deal with it and want it to be over with.

Later in looking back at the situation, when I am not in the middle of it, I can see the "bigger picture" a little bit clearer. A work in progress. I can see that each event in my life follows a pattern, so that when all the pieces fit together, I can see how that situation fits into the pattern of my life.

Of course, it doesn't make going through the "unknown" any easier, but if I think about it at the time, it does make me take a deep breath, and let go and let things happen and unfold a little bit easier. That everything will be OK in the end, and that there is a reason why I am going through this difficult period.

I have observed that events in my life seem to fit into a sequence. I wouldn't be able to do what I am doing now, if I hadn't gone though a difficult situation. I also wouldn't have as deep an appreciation for what I have now. I have a different perspective and can be more empathetic to others who are going through similar situations - and can offer them encouragement.

The jigsaw puzzle of my life is not completed, but I trust, that when my life is over, that there will not be any missing pieces.

The Pollyanna Effect

When I was a kid, my favorite actress was Haley Mills. I loved all her movies and couldn't get enough of them. One of the best was Pollyanna. I still watch this movie about once a year, just to refresh my memory. Every time I see it, I get something new out of it. It never gets old to me. The movie had more of an influence on me than I realized at the time.

The "glad game" that she played in the film is what I am referring to as the "Pollyanna Effect". I frequently find myself saying the phrase "I'm glad" about this or that. When I consciously catch myself saying it I say, "Aha! There it is again - the "Pollyanna Effect."

The "glad game" is something that is an integral part of my life and philosophy. That no matter what happens - there is always something else that is worse! It makes me stop and think when negative thinking threatens to "take over" my mind - to try to find something positive out of something that would otherwise be negative.

Grow Where You're Planted

I was recently told by a former employee that this saying, which apparently was in my office, had a huge influence on her. To be honest, I don't remember it - I don't have it in my office now. I would have to look through my things to find it. I don't know if it is on something that someone gave me as a gift, and I kept in my office or what?? It had totally slipped out of my mind, until she reminded me of it.

I was happy to hear however, that something that I had done had a positive influence on this person. She said she felt like it reflected the the philosophy of life that she had observed in me (kind of like when life hands you lemons, make lemonade). This person said that they have tried to follow the philosphy that this saying represents.

Which just goes to show, that you never know the effect what you say or do has on another person - or what they will remember about you. Thankfully, it was a positive thing in this instance. Strange the things that people remember about me!

Perspectives

I never really thought too much about perspective other than as an art technique to make pictures look more realistic. I showed a video called Perspectives as an inservice training for my employees one day and it made a lasting impression on me.

The gist of the film was that several people can see the same object or experience the same event, but they will all see it with "different" eyes or emotions based on many different factors. Their past experience with that object/event, their physical orientation to the object/event etc.

Since watching the film, I try to look at myself/people/events from multiple perspectives.

Myself:

How do I feel/look/seem to myself
How do I think others perceive how I look/my actions etc. Sometimes I might ask them - or listen carefully to their conversations with me to glean information about how they perceive me.

Others:

How do I see that person
How do others see that person

Events:

If it involves me - How did I react to it? I try to analyze why I reacted that way. How did others see it - I ask them, or listen to their conversations..

In conflict - I try to hear all sides of the story - see the big picture before I draw a conclusion. Sometimes there is missing information - and gaps. Like putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

A friend shared with me about the Jahari Window - I think that is one way of explaining/defining how I view things.

Often, especially before making major decisions, I try to analyze the issue or problem from different perpectives before acting on it.

GREEN BLOG

Green Blog will be used to post my philosophy about whatever is on my mind at the time. Maybe one advantage of getting older - is that past acquaintances occasionally remind me of how I have influenced them based on either something I said or something that I had posted in my office.

In thinking about it, I would like to share some of them in hopes that they maybe provide inspiration to someone else. The postings will probably be sporatic, but I will try to keep it up. It seems like I have good intentions - but then "life" gets in the way and I can't seem to find the time or motivation to keep it up.

The postings are from my perspective and are my opinion of course.

I have a couple fresh in my mind so will start with them...